Christmas Squabble is the classic game of family domination for all ages.
Each player struggles for world domination while obstructing his fellow competitors from achieving their objectives at every turn. Play takes place in the house, divided into LOUNGE, KITCHEN, and BEDROOMS (where contestants are permitted to play their SOB CARDS). The defence of these territories must be planned carefully, or victory may soon be turned to defeat. Heavy casualties may result in the loss of CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE.
Each player starts the game with the following: Two Chips (shoulder), Six Petty Grievances, Three Sour Grapes, Four Major resentments, Two Annoying Habits.
IMPORTANT: All MAJOR RESENTMENTS must remain unspoken until the final round, just when things seem to be settling down. The first player to produce them from his sleeve at this crucial juncture will thus gain TEMPORARY SUPREMACY.
TIP FOR PLAY: Take care to NURSE your SIX PETTY GRIEVANCES throughout CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE, so that they are fighting fit when you find yourself in a position to reveal them.
Before the commencement of CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE, all dice should be declared lost. The third player then repeats the following phrase: "Why is it always me who has to look for everything?" four times before play commences. Six months after close of play, the dice may be found EITHER under the sofa OR in the drawer full of keys/plugs/used batteries/screwdrivers/used glue tubes etc in the kitchen corner next to the cooker.
Before the game commences, each player elects him/herself The General. The General is in charge of everyone else, and must control the other contestants at all times. WARNING: Having elected yourself The General, be careful not to inform anyone else too soon, or they may immediately bring into play one of their MAJOR RESENTMENTS. Remove all jokers. Now shuffle all the queens and make sure any pairs are separated.
Each player of CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE enters the game having first formed a SECRET ALLIANCE. A Secret Alliance is formed either by whispering EITHER "Well, someone had to tell her" OR "Frankly, I don?t blame you one little bit" OR "He told me not to tell anyone else, but ...".
These alliances may be broken at any time during the game by repeating the words, "That's the last time I tell you a secret".
KITCHEN (SINK SIDE): Any player found in the kitchen (sink side) may be tackled by The General with the words "You couldn't be a dear and ...". He or she will then suffer the forfeit of being given EITHER a bag of Brussels sprouts and a blunt knife OR five dirty pans and the scrappy remains of a Brillo pad.
KITCHEN (SETTEE SIDE): Players taking refuge on the kitchen settee must repeat the phrase: "You'll have to turn over - it's the EastEnders Christmas Omnibus." This allows other players to FLOUNCE OUT and claim one new PETTY GRIEVANCE per player.
BEDROOM: Any player FLOUNCING OUT must immediately retreat to their bedroom and slam the door. On hearing an upstairs bedroom door slammed, any player remaining in the KITCHEN must sigh: "I turn my back for five minutes and ..." thereby CLAIMING THE HIGHER GROUND.
NEW HALL/UTILITY ROOM/GARAGE: These will be included in later editions of CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE.
Combat commences at the stroke of 11 o'clock on Christmas morning. Player One passes the first present to Player Two on his left. Player Two opens it, finds it is a SHREDDER, and attempts to STIFLE HIS DISAPPOINTMENT. Player One says: "You can always change it if you don't like it." Player Two replies "I didn't say I didn't like it." Player Three can now step in and say: "Well, you don't sound very grateful!" To beat Player Two, Player Three must give Player Two a box of chocolate nut and raisins (with the nuts taken out) and something slightly lavendary. Player Three now awaits his response. If Player Two is unable to smile and say thank you, he must retire from the game of CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE.
Once he has completed all his attacks, a player may conduct ONE manoeuvre. Each player may move from room to room, but only:
The winner is the player left in the behind in the LOUNGE with the TV remote control, and who has not gone off in the huff. He declares his victory by shouting "AND ANOTHER THING!" before slumping into a prolonged doze.
We have to decide if we play ordinary CHRISTMAS SQUABBLE or another version. It is also available in an EXECUTIVE EDITION, including disappointing Christmas crackers, presquashed satsumas, a whoopee cushion and five paper crowns which have come apart at the seam.
Or maybe we should splash out on the LUXURY DELUXE EDITION, which includes all the above, plus an oven roasted turkey, still frozen towards the centre
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