I am blown away by the alien menace
I am... feeling really stupid
I am... out of my signature blue smokebombs
I am street pizza
I am the $10 service charge on all returned checks
I am the annoying piece of gristle stuck between your teeth
I am the auditor who wants to look at your books
I am the batteries that aren't included
I am the beater that scrambles your eggmen
I am the blown fuse that blacks you out
I am the bubble gum that clings to your shoe
I am the bubble gum that sticks in your hair
I am the burned out bulb you cannot reach
I am the butter that burns in your pan
I am the cat that somebody let out of the bag
I am the check that overdraws your account
I am the check writer in the cash-only line
I am the chill that runs up your spine
I am the cholesterol that clogs your arteries
I am the clipper that trims your hedges
I am the clock cleaner who will ring your chimes
I am the cloud that rains on your hit parade
I am the cold sore that stings your lips
I am the combination lock on the vaults of justice
I am the cotton swab that gets stuck in your ear
I am the ...(crash)...all right, who put the banana peel there?
I am the current of vengeance gurgling through your sewer
I am the editor that cuts your scene
I am the editor that leaves you on the cutting room floor
I am the eraser that rubs out the typos of crimes
I am the fast food that comes back to haunt you
I am the feathery phantom that haunts your nightmares
I am the fingernail that scrapes the chalkboard of your soul
I am the flea on your parrot
I am the flea you can't flick
I am the ghost of a chance that you don't have
I am the gold at the end of the rainbow
I am the good that flutters in the day
I am the grade curve that gives you an 'F'
I am the hairball that clogs your drain
I am the hair in the lens of your projector
I am the ham radio operator that scrambles your reception
I am the headache in the criminal mind
I am the Heimlich maneuver for the choking victims of crime
I am the hero that every culture needs
I am the icky bug that crawls up your trouser leg
I am the impacted wisdom tooth
I am the ingrown toenail in your party pumps
I am the ingrown toenail on the foot of crime
I am the itch in your trigger finger
I am the itch you cannot reach
I am the ivy that climbs your pipes
I am the jackal that gnaws at your bones
I am the jailer who throws away the key
I am the kettle that whistles in the night
I am the little teacup with a teeny weeny hole in the handle that you can never get your finger in
I am the Lavendar Wrist Slapper
I am the limestone that petrifies your bones
I am the little mouse that eats your cheese
I am the lollipop that sticks in your hair
I am the low point on your sine wave
I am the low rating that cancels your program
I am the metal key on the sardine can of justice
I am the meter on the taxicab of justice
I am the misshappen blotch that stains your walls
I am the most fiendish terror that flaps in the darkest night
I am the moth that seeks your porch light
I am the muddy shoes that track the linoleum of crime
I am the neurosis that requires a five hundred dollar an hour shrink
I am the number 90 sunblock that will stop your burn
I am the onion that stings in your eyes
I am the original Mr. Fix-it
I am the paper cut that ruins your morning
I am the parking meter that expires while you shop
I am the pebble in the shoe of ignominy
I am the pencil that breaks from signing too many autographs
I am the pimple that forms before a really big date
I am the pin that will burst your bubble
I am the pitbull that bites the ankle of crime
I am the plot twist in the second reel
I am the principal you were sent to see
I am the pus-filled blister that bursts in your boot
I am the quality time that ruins your play time
I am the raspberry seed you can't floss out
I am the repairman who tells you your warranty just ran out
I am the rhinestone on the jumpsuit of justice
I am the road salt that rots the underside of your car
I am the rust in the pipes of crime
I am the rust spot on the armor of crime
I am the sandtrap on the fairway of evil
I am the schnauzer that digs up your petunias
I am the scrubbing bubble to criminal scum
I am the shopping cart that nicks your paint job
I am the shrewd terror that outsmarts in the night
I am the single career man all women want to date
I am the skunk that pollutes your air
I am the slime that slurps in the night
I am the slug that slimes your begonias
I am the smallest, weakest thing in this whole place
I am the smoke that smokes smoked oysters
I am the snail that wastes all your leaves
I am the soap scum that lines your bathtub
I am the soap that's cleaning up this town
I am the sourball in the candy jar of goodness
I am the sourge that pecks at your nightmares
I am the special news bulletin that interrupts your favorite show
I am the spider who nips at your neck
I am the spinach that sticks in your teeth
I am the splinter that you just can't tweeze
I am the squashed bug on your flying saucer windshield
I am the squeaky brakes that...oh, nuts
I am the squeaky stair that gives away your presence
I am the stain that can't be rubbed out
I am the stink bug that smears your windshield
I am the substantial and inescapable penalty for early withdrawal
I am the supernova at the center of the universe
I am the surcharge that triples your bill
I am the surprise in your cereal box
I am the switch that derails your train
I am the taproot that clogs your pipes
I am the tenor that sings in the night
I am the termite that devours your floorboards
I am the terrier that yaps in the night
I am the terror that flaps in the night
I am the terror that flaps in the sewers
I am the terror that flaps... in your windshield
I am the terror that... Hey, hey, I'm not finished
I am the terror that hunts in the night
I am the terror that nips at your shoelaces
I am the terror that sails the seas
I am the terror that unwraps at night
I am the thing that goes bump in the night
I am the toddler that naps in the night
I am the truth
I am the tube of cadmium yellow that is impossible to open
I am the wad of gum that sticks to the heel of crime
I am the water balloon that lands right on your head
I am the weedwhacker in the garden of evil
I am the weirdo that sits next to you on the bus
I am the widget missing from the easy to assemble swingset
I am the winged scourge that pecks at your nightmares
I am the wrong number that wakes you at 3 am
I am the yoyo that keeps coming back
I am Darkwing Duck!