300 followers, 300 followees, 158 of each are non-mutual. Such equilibrium. And this doesn't ruin it by upping my number of updates! #OCD
Good morning, Americans! Happy Thanksgiving! (Or, as we like to call it, "Thursday")
I have disconcerting news about that whole "we don't need to do laundry until next week" thing.
Inject the uninjected!
Ugh. I accidentally the morning. The WHOLE thing.
Everybody went home early while I wasn't looking, leaving me all alone in the office. Oh well. *takes off pants*
Preparation H™ - for those days when sitting around in your underwear just isn't something you're comfortable with! #magpie
Courtesy of @morgs: "I drove past the Helen Keller Institute and didn't feel a thing." 
I drove past a sign for the Hellen Keller Institute and completely failed to think of a joke. So, I tender my resignation from the internet.
I did the sums, and I think we can last another week without doing laundry. Are we all prepared to put in the effort, go the extra mile?
Vanilla Ice's new album seems to consist only of covers of songs by hiphop legends such as Cypress Hill, House of Pain, and Vanilla Ice
Vanilla Ice released a new album. That's terrifying.
A fun game to play is to see how many different (non-functional) phone numbers Google throws up for your car dealership. And then to cry.
@indefensible: Boris Becker?
You know who else left the house and got some exercise and talked to real people instead of lying in bed all day? Hitler.
"Man, sleeper cells suck. I want revolution NOW."
Whoah, there are still people left on the internet that don't suck. I thought they'd all ascended by now. Err... present company excluded.
I believe 45.3% of all the statistics that other people make up on the spot.
I'm not sure that deliberately ignoring my Google-granted ability to theme my gmail is spiting that laggard @abigvictory as much as I hoped.
Accidentally read up on cellular automata. The "/2" rule is described as: Chaotic growth; all patterns are phoenixes; has spaceships. Whoah.
My super power: always able to find parking, no matter where/when. My sidekick's power: traffic lights always green. I have driving issues.
It's great how just as you come to terms with Monday afternoon and move on, the Americans all wake up and start the bitching afresh. #UTC+2
@cluckhoff: You know about SoundGarden, Temple of the Dog, and his solo stuff too?
@abigvictory: you're 100% responsible for the recent upsurge in twitter-interest in Pink Floyd (I applaud you!). Can you do Nick Cave now?
This tweet is here only in an ironic capacity. Fill in some drunken, late-night observation about bartenders. Thanks. #lazy_twitter
@abigvictory: Corrolary: while being too old to rock and roll, is one ever really too young to die?
PC makes whirring noise. Much worried investigation. Realisation: neighbour is vacuuming. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? (See http://is.gd/7CBG )
@cow_grrrl: twhat twaterfront twevent? And no, going to a Real Person's birthday, sorry! (I KNOW ALL YOU TWITTERERS ARE IMAGINARY YOU HEAR?)
Whoah. Wow. Well, on the bright side, at least I know WHY they have that warning. And I'm sure it can be fixed.
I love the way the people in my office pull together in a crisis, all trooping down to the shops together, to fix the lack of beer. Bless.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Lessons from cooking supper: 1. Vinegar and olive oil bottles are too similar; 2. Rosemary comes out of the jar too fast; 3. Eat out more.
What's that word? Come on. Tip of my tongue. It's when you're scared somebody will steal your underpants while you shower at the gym.
my Twitterank is HELLO I AM MIRIAM ABACHE WIFE OF FORMER PRESIDENT SIMEON ABACHE WHO INHERITED A CERTAIN SUM OF WEALTH THAT I AM GRATIFIE...
The picture @InsoOutso just posted has double the awesome if you click "Rotate right" twice.
Hey, imagine if you refused to read any blogs except ones written by people who read (or "follow", hmm?) your blog? Hmm? #yes_its_an_analogy
PC makes clicking sounds. Much worried investigation. Slow dawning realisation that it's the cupboard door rattling in the wind. #duh
It took me a while to get into Mel Gibson historical re-enactments, but I'm developing quite a passion for them.
I could never understand the whole wife-swapping thing, but I guess it's fine once you get into the swing of things.
@seanhussey: trying to stoke our enthusiasm? Not sure I can match you, I wood if I could, but ingenuity is burning low.
I wasn't at all sure I'd enjoy being anaesthetised, but I'm starting to come around.
So twitter passed it's billionth tweet. And apparently, it was "@MISSY_BOO LOL BORED AS USALLY".
Turns out, all my sycophantic underlings have been lying to me that my golfing average is better than normal. #faux_par
I, like, totally called him my worst enemy, when actually, like, he was only, like, my second worst! #foe_pas
My secret service codename is "Tepid". Like my enthusiasm for life. And the effort I'm putting into this meme.
@nick: Here in South Africa, the post office sends you a short (+/- 140 letters) telegram when your friends have stuff to say (or "tele")
@texburgher: this is the presentation you said would be given to the "people that sucked the happiness from you, making you long for death"?
Changing my voicemail message to "Hi, it's Jonathan, you'd be better off emailing or SMSing me" seems to have been sufficiently discouraging
Okay guys, pop quiz: Who wrote what on whose what?
I hate Sundays so hard, I feel compelled to fill them up with awesome. So I love them. So... No idea where I stand, really. Ugh. #conflicted
I have an honest-to-goodness actual high-five bruise on my hand. Big and purple. Related: Last night was awesome.
The twitter "drunk writing" to "drunk reading" ratio is sorely off-balance. Just doin' my part, y'all. Get hammered and tweet for equality!
All I'm saying is, your aunt should consider changing her diet. You know?
Was bored last night, so I wrote a 49999-word novel. So aaanyway, what are you guys doing for November?
Had a big day planned, shopping, registering, visiting, laundry. Then I found a wikipedia article on Kuru. Now reading about welding.
@rafiq: you have to vote where you're registered, so if you want to vote somewhere else, you have to re-register there :)
South Africans! All my non-South African followers are wondering why the hell this country doesn't use this new-fangled "internet" thing.
South Africans! SMS your ID number to 32810 to see if (and where) you're already registered to vote.
South Africans! Don't forget to register to vote! Phone (012) 428 5700 if you're not sure where your nearest municipal office is.
This always happens. Seems I'm using the old, obsolete ("dictionary") def'n of "interesting", while the rest of the internet has moved on.
Just got back from pub quiz. Every single question was "Who won the US elections on Tuesday?" We came third. #johnkerry_rings_a_bell
Hail to the Sun God! He's a real fun god! Rara Ra!
My friends in America went to the elections, and all I got was this lousy lack of things to tweet about.
I just signed up for deli.cio.us. Next: create geocities page, search for something on altavista, upgrade to Netscape v4. #loving_1997
Waiter, this is not the future I ordered. Please take it away and bring me another one, HOLD THE BIGOTRY.
Well, they lost no time: http://www.obamaimpeachm...
RT: @lefauxfrog: Pro tip: To increase the popularity of your tweets don't use all 140 chara [ please load twitter.com to view this tweet ]
Oh yeah, my country has a British heritage and is currently blowing stuff up for Guy Fawkes. Was too busy thinking American. #woooo_anyway
So, Americans, now that's out the way... Any thoughts on Mosiuoa Lekota's split from the ANC, and the ramifications for our government?
@secretsquirrel: real headlines from SA today: "Ambulance workers resting", "Thief hid in clothes", "Watch out for runners!"
@secretsquirrel: well for Pete's sake, come home, South African politicians are getting more fascinating by the day. Seriously.
"This victory is not the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make that change."
Couldn't get back to sleep again, reloaded, and Obama had 207. Add the west coast's 73 = 280. We've won. Yes we did.
194-69 to Obama. We still need some swing states. Ohi, Ohio.
It's past midnight here, USA, so I'm going to nap. Will be up again at 3am to check how it's going. Do me proud, USA. Do me proud. (Please?)
@smartgoat: I'm only saying I'm not curled around it in foetal position any more. Keepin' mum about whether I'm slurpin' its nethers or not.
When @smartgoat wields Facts and Internet URLs, he's more comforting than a whiskey-soaked teddy bear with an Enya soundtrack. All better.
Dear People Who Start Tweets With "Dear", it doesn't work properly if you do it ALL THE TIME. So be a dear and stop doing it, dear. #oh_dear
Forget McCain, Arnie is the true Maverick - the only one who dared bring up the "he has scrawny arms" attack on Obama: http://is.gd/6cNY
You know you're not The Economist's target audience if you giggle at "cack-handed" when reading their endorsement of Obama. #still_funny
Trying to tweet funny after Nov 4 will be like trying to cover Kermit's "it ain't easy being green" after the whole muppet-marijuana fiasco.
@mikel: at least step into Barcelona ("most wonderful city in Europe"), but Prague and Venice must surely be contenders?
What's that blue thing doing here?